Why Your Teen Says "I Don't Know" to Everything (And What It Actually Means)
"How was school?"
"Fine."
"What do you have due this week?"
"I don't know."
"Is something bothering you?"
"I don't know."
It's September in Michigan, the school year is a few weeks in, and if you're the parent of a neurodivergent teen, you may already be having this exact conversation on a loop. And you may already be somewhere between worried and furious, because it feels like a wall. Like they're refusing to let you in.
Here's the thing: they might not be refusing. They might actually not know.
What's Actually Happening
For a lot of ADHD and autistic teens, "I don't know" is the honest answer, not the evasive one. Here's why.
Retrieving information on demand is a specific skill, and it's affected by executive function. You ask "what's due this week." Your teen knows, somewhere. But pulling that information up, on request, in the moment, while you're standing there waiting, is a different task from having it stored. If the retrieval fails, the honest answer is "I don't know," even though the knowledge is technically in there.
Naming a feeling requires being able to feel it. "Is something bothering you?" assumes your teen can check inside, locate the feeling, and put a word on it. For many neurodivergent teens, that internal check is unreliable. They might be bothered and genuinely unable to tell you, because they can't locate it themselves.
"How was school" is an impossibly big question. Seven hours, six classes, dozens of interactions, sensory overload in the hallway, the thing that happened at lunch. Summarizing that is real cognitive work. "Fine" is what comes out when the work is too much.
Any answer risks a follow-up. If your teen has learned that "it was hard" leads to twenty more questions, "I don't know" becomes the safest answer, not because they're hiding something, but because they don't have the capacity for the conversation that comes next.
What This Looks Like
Direct questions get shrugs, not because they're rude, but because the question landed as pressure
They can talk for twenty minutes about a video game and can't tell you one thing about their day
They seem more forthcoming in the car or while doing something else
If you wait long enough in silence, sometimes something comes out
They get frustrated or shut down when you push, which makes you push more
Later, sometimes much later, they mention the thing that was bothering them, offhand, when you didn't ask
What Actually Helps
Ask smaller questions. "What was the best part of lunch?" is answerable. "How was school?" isn't. Specific, narrow questions require less retrieval.
Ask sideways. In the car, while cooking, while walking the dog. Anything with no eye contact and no sense of being interviewed. The lack of pressure is what makes the answer possible.
Wait longer than feels comfortable. After you ask, count to ten. Then ten more. Processing takes time. Filling the silence with a follow-up question resets the clock.
Take "I don't know" as data, not defiance. If your teen says it a lot, that's telling you something about how hard retrieval is for them right now. That's useful. It's also a much better conversation to have than the one about why they won't talk to you.
Offer options instead of open questions. "Was it more of a boring day or a stressful day?" is easier than "how was it." Multiple choice is easier than fill-in-the-blank.
What If I've Tried All of This and Still Get Nothing?
Some teens, especially in the first weeks of a new school year, genuinely don't have the capacity to process the day out loud. They're using everything they have to get through it. The talking comes later, sometimes days later, sometimes to someone who isn't you. That's not a rejection. That's what it looks like when someone is at their limit and you're the safe person they don't have to perform for.
How Therapy Can Help
At Ideal Psychology Group, we work with neurodivergent teens and their families across Michigan. Sometimes a teen who can't answer "how was your day" can answer it for a therapist, because the therapist isn't the person they're worried about disappointing. Our clinicians are neurodivergent-affirming, and sessions are fully virtual, which means your teen can talk from their own room, where there's no drive to dread and no waiting room to sit in.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is "I don't know" a sign my teen is hiding something?
Sometimes. But for many neurodivergent teens, it's a genuine inability to retrieve or articulate the answer in the moment, not avoidance.
Why does my teen open up to other people but not me?
Often because you're the person whose reaction matters most, which makes the stakes higher. Talking to someone with lower stakes, a therapist, a coach, a friend's parent, can feel safer even when the relationship is less close.
Should I stop asking?
No. But change how you ask. Smaller questions, sideways settings, longer pauses. The asking matters. The interrogation doesn't help.
Do you work with teens across Michigan?
Yes. We're fully virtual and see teens and families throughout the state.
If "I don't know" has become the whole conversation, we'd love to help. 💛
