Why family gatherings can feel so exhausting for autistic and ADHD adults, even when you actually like your family.
Thanksgiving hasn't even started, and you're already thinking about how tired you're going to be afterward.
Not necessarily because you don't want to see your family.
You do.
Well, most of them.
It's just that you know what the day involves.
Hours of conversations. People talking over each other. Questions you don't feel like answering. Someone commenting on what you're eating. Someone else asking why you're so quiet.
And the constant awareness that people are noticing you.
Your facial expressions. Your tone. Whether you're making enough eye contact. Whether you seem interested. Whether you're participating enough.
By the time dessert comes around, you might feel like you've been at work all day.
Except you didn't get paid, and somehow you're still expected to help clean up.
If you're autistic, have ADHD, or spend a lot of energy navigating social situations, Thanksgiving can be exhausting in ways that aren't always obvious to the people around you.
And sometimes the hardest part isn't family drama.
It's having to be socially available for six straight hours.
The Exhaustion of Being "On" All Day
For many neurodivergent adults, family gatherings involve a lot more than simply showing up and enjoying a meal.
There's often a running checklist happening in the background.
Am I talking enough?
Was that a weird response?
Did I interrupt someone?
Am I making the right facial expression?
How long have I been sitting here without saying anything?
Can I leave yet, or is that rude?
This kind of constant self-monitoring can be part of masking, which is when someone consciously or unconsciously adjusts how they communicate or behave to fit social expectations.
Not every autistic or ADHD person masks, and it doesn't look the same for everyone.
But if you've spent years learning how to appear engaged, agreeable, and socially comfortable even when you're overwhelmed, you probably know how much energy it can take.
And at Thanksgiving, you might be doing it for hours.
By the time you're ready to leave, you may not even be upset with anyone.
You're just tired of having to think about how you're coming across.
The Little Things That Make Thanksgiving Feel Like a Lot
Sometimes it's not one big stressful moment.
It's twenty small things that add up.
Answering the Same Questions Over and Over
"So, how's work going?"
"Are you still living in the same place?"
"Are you seeing anyone?"
Every person who asks is genuinely curious.
But by the sixth time you've explained what you do for work, you're struggling to sound as enthusiastic as you did the first time.
And now you're worried that your shorter answers make you seem rude.
Questions You Really Don't Want to Answer
"When are you having kids?"
"Are you ever going to settle down?"
"Have you thought about going back to school?"
Sometimes these questions are harmless.
Sometimes they touch on things that are painful, complicated, or simply none of anyone else's business.
And having to figure out how to respond politely, especially in front of other people, can take more energy than the conversation itself.
The Sensory Experience of Thanksgiving
There are five conversations happening at once.
The television is on.
Someone is cooking.
People keep moving around you.
And the house is approximately 15 degrees warmer than it needs to be.
For some autistic adults and people with sensory sensitivities, the combination of noise, smells, lighting, temperature, and social interaction can become overwhelming.
Then there's the food.
If certain textures, tastes, or smells are difficult for you, Thanksgiving can be especially uncomfortable because food often carries a lot of emotional meaning.
You might genuinely appreciate that someone made something for you.
You also might genuinely be unable to eat it.
Both things can be true.
Being Told You're Too Quiet
"You're so quiet today!"
And suddenly, everyone is looking at you.
Which is particularly unfortunate because the reason you were quiet was that you were trying to avoid exactly this situation.
Now you feel like you have to explain yourself.
Or start talking more.
Or reassure everyone that you're having a good time.
Sometimes you really are having a good time.
You'd just prefer to have it quietly.
You Can Love Your Family and Still Need a Break From Them
This is something I think a lot of neurodivergent adults need to hear.
Enjoying someone doesn't mean you have unlimited capacity to interact with them.
You can love your parents and still find their house overstimulating.
You can be excited to see your siblings and still need time alone after a few hours.
You can appreciate being invited and still wish you could leave early.
None of those things mean you're ungrateful.
They mean you have needs, just like everyone else.
And those needs don't disappear because it's a holiday.
How to Make Thanksgiving a Little More Manageable
You don't necessarily need to cancel Thanksgiving or create an elaborate plan.
Sometimes a few small accommodations can make a surprisingly big difference.
1. Decide How Long You Want to Stay Before You Arrive
If you know that after three hours you're usually exhausted, it's okay to plan around that.
You might say something like:
"We're going to head out around seven, but we're excited to see everyone!"
Setting that expectation early can make leaving feel less like a negotiation.
And if you're able to drive yourself or arrange your own transportation, having control over when you leave can make the entire gathering feel more manageable.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Step Away
You don't have to wait until you're completely overwhelmed to take a break.
Go outside for a few minutes.
Find a quieter room.
Offer to take the dog for a walk.
Or yes, spend a few extra minutes in the bathroom if that's the only place nobody is going to ask you a question.
Sometimes having even a little time where you aren't expected to respond to anyone can help.
And if scrolling on your phone actually helps you regulate, that's okay too. The point is finding a break that works for you.
3. Have a Few Answers Ready for Questions You Know Are Coming
If your family asks the same questions every year, you don't need to come up with a brand-new response every time.
For example:
"I'm still figuring that out, but I'll let you know when there's something to share."
"Work's going well! How have you been?"
"I'm actually taking a break from talking about that today."
You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation of your personal life just because you're sitting at the same dinner table.
4. Make a Plan Around Food
If you have sensory-related food preferences or restrictions, consider eating something before you go or bringing a dish you know you'll enjoy.
You don't have to force yourself to eat something uncomfortable to prove that you're grateful.
And if someone comments on what you're eating, a simple "I'm good, thank you!" may be all the explanation you need.
5. Find Something to Do Besides Socializing
Sometimes sitting in a room and making conversation is the most exhausting part.
Having a task can make things easier.
Help with dishes.
Set the table.
Take pictures.
Play with the dog.
Spend time with the kids if that's genuinely enjoyable for you.
Doing something with your hands or having a specific role can make social interactions feel less demanding.
Of course, don't volunteer for so much that you end up more exhausted than you started.
The goal is to make things easier, not accidentally become the unpaid Thanksgiving event coordinator.
The Day After Thanksgiving Counts, Too
Here's something people don't always talk about.
Sometimes the hardest part of a big social gathering is how you feel afterward.
You get home, change into comfortable clothes, and suddenly realize just how much energy you've been using.
Maybe you're irritable.
Maybe you don't want anyone to talk to you.
Maybe you spend the next morning feeling foggy, exhausted, or completely uninterested in doing anything.
For some neurodivergent people, recovering from a socially or sensory-demanding experience takes time.
That doesn't mean you did Thanksgiving wrong.
It might mean you used a lot of energy navigating an environment that asked more of you than usual.
If you can, try not to schedule your entire Friday around catching up on everything you didn't get done Thursday.
Give yourself some room to recover.
And if you need a quiet day, you're allowed to have one.
You Don't Have to Earn the Right to Be Comfortable
A lot of adults with ADHD or autism have spent years trying to be the version of themselves that makes other people comfortable.
The person who doesn't complain.
The person who can go with the flow.
The person who doesn't need anything different.
The person who can make it through Thanksgiving without anyone noticing how hard they're working.
But here's the thing.
You can care about your family without ignoring your own needs.
You can participate in traditions without participating in every single moment.
And you can make choices that help you feel more comfortable, even if other people don't completely understand them.
You don't have to spend the entire holiday proving that you're easy to be around.
You're allowed to enjoy Thanksgiving in a way that actually works for you.
Therapy for Autistic and ADHD Adults in Michigan
If family gatherings leave you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or frustrated with yourself, you don't have to keep assuming you're the problem.
At Ideal Psychology Group, we work with neurodivergent adults who are learning to better understand their needs, navigate relationships, set boundaries, and let go of the pressure to constantly meet everyone else's expectations.
Maybe you're exploring whether you have ADHD or autism.
Maybe you've known for years but are only now recognizing how much energy you've spent masking.
Or maybe you're simply tired of feeling guilty for needing things to be a little different.
Our approach is neurodiversity-affirming, and we're here to help you find ways of navigating life that feel more sustainable for you.
We're also fully virtual, serving adults throughout Michigan, so you can meet with a therapist from the comfort of your own space.
No extra social gathering required.
Looking for a therapist who understands neurodivergent experiences?
Get Started With Ideal Psychology Group
We work with several insurance plans, including Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan PPO, Blue Care Network, Aetna, and Priority Health. Insurance participation varies by clinician, and our Client Care team can help you explore your options.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why are family gatherings so exhausting for some autistic adults?
Family gatherings can involve extended social interaction, sensory stimulation, unexpected changes, and pressure to follow social expectations. For some autistic adults, managing these demands can require substantial energy, even when they enjoy spending time with family.
Can ADHD make holidays more overwhelming?
Yes. For some adults with ADHD, competing conversations, distractions, changes in routine, and the demands of extended social interaction can make holidays more challenging. The experience varies from person to person.
What is autistic masking?
Masking refers to adjusting or suppressing natural behaviors, communication styles, or responses to fit social expectations. It can be conscious or unconscious, and some people find it emotionally or mentally exhausting.
Is it okay to leave a family gathering early?
Yes. Setting boundaries around your time and energy can be a healthy way to participate in family events while respecting your own needs.
Does Ideal Psychology Group offer online therapy for neurodivergent adults?
Yes! IPG offers virtual psychotherapy throughout Michigan, including Metro Detroit, Ann Arbor, Lansing, Grand Rapids, and surrounding communities. You can contact our Client Care team to find a therapist whose experience and availability fit your needs.
