Why ‘Self-Sabotage’ Is Actually a Trauma Response (Especially with ADHD)
You missed the deadline.
You ghosted that friend.
You bailed on the project you were excited about.
And now you’re stuck in a shame spiral, wondering: Why do I keep ruining things for myself?
If you have ADHD and especially if you carry a history of complex trauma, what gets called “self-sabotage” might actually be something much deeper.
Let’s break it down gently, without judgment.
First, Let’s Redefine “Self-Sabotage.”
What looks like:
Procrastination
Flaking on things you care about
Picking fights in your relationships
Ghosting opportunities
Avoiding joy or success
…is often your nervous system trying to protect you.
Not from danger, but from perceived danger: failure, rejection, shame, or vulnerability.
Your trauma doesn’t speak in words. It speaks through patterns. And those patterns are all about safety.
The ADHD-Trauma Combo: A Perfect Storm
If you’ve got ADHD, your brain already struggles with:
Task initiation
Focus and follow-through
Time blindness
Emotional regulation
Now add trauma to that, especially from childhood, and you’ve got a nervous system that’s constantly scanning for threat. Not tigers, but disappointment. Criticism. Letting people down.
So what happens?
You freeze. You avoid. You “shut down.”
And then you blame yourself for it.
Examples That Hit Close to Home
You get a job interview... and forget to follow up.
(Your brain registered pressure and shut down to avoid potential failure.)You meet someone kind... and push them away.
(Your body remembers past rejection and tries to beat them to it.)You commit to a goal… and suddenly feel numb or “meh” about it.
(Because vulnerability feels too risky. Success feels suspicious.)
This isn’t laziness. It’s survival conditioning.
Your Brain’s Not Broken, It’s Trying to Keep You Safe
The ADHD brain is fast, emotional, and highly sensitive. The trauma-impacted brain is hypervigilant, reactive, and mistrustful of peace.
Together? They create a cycle that looks like:
Excitement
Overwhelm
Shutdown
Shame
Repeat
You’re not “ruining your own life.” You’re trying to live in a world that never made space for your wiring—and now your system is reacting in the only way it knows how.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing doesn’t mean never freezing again. It means noticing when you do, and responding with compassion, not criticism.
In therapy, you can:
Explore where the shutdown started (it’s not random)
Learn nervous system regulation that actually works for ADHD brains
Unpack why success, love, or peace might feel unsafe
Build a relationship with yourself that doesn’t hinge on “being productive”
Most importantly, you start to believe this truth: you don’t have to earn your worth. You already have it.
Let’s Be Clear: You’re Not a Saboteur. You’re a Survivor.
And survivors don’t need shame.
They need safety.
They need connection.
They need care that meets them where they are.
💛 Ready to stop blaming yourself and start understanding yourself?
Book a session today with one of our ADHD-affirming, trauma-informed therapists at idealpsychologygroup.com/makeanappointment.
We’ll help you gently unlearn the patterns that once protected you—so you can finally create a life that feels safe, stable, and yours.
