When Childhood Feels Like a Test You Can’t Pass: How Emotionally Immature Parents Fuel Anxiety and Perfectionism
Have you ever felt like no matter what you did as a kid, how hard you tried, how quiet you were, how well you performed, it just never seemed to be enough? Like childhood wasn’t really about growing or learning, but more like passing a test you didn’t study for, with rules that kept changing?
If that hits close to home, you're not alone. Especially if you’re neurodivergent, living with ADHD, autism, or highly sensitive, those early years might’ve felt like a constant scramble to get it right. And when your parents were emotionally immature? That’s a recipe for anxiety, perfectionism, and a lingering sense that love had to be earned.
This article is for you. The kid who became the adult still trying to prove they’re worthy. Let’s unpack how emotionally immature parents affect us and what healing can actually look like.
What Are Emotionally Immature Parents, Anyway?
Let’s start here: emotionally immature parents aren’t necessarily bad people. But they are people who never really grew up on the inside.
They often:
Overreact or shut down when things get emotional
Expect their kids to meet their emotional needs
Get uncomfortable when their children express sadness, anger, or fear
Avoid responsibility or blame others when things go wrong
Instead of being the steady, safe place you needed, they made you feel like you had to tiptoe around their moods or keep your feelings to yourself.
When Childhood Feels Like a Performance
Growing up in a home like that, you might’ve felt like love was conditional. Like:
You had to be “the good kid” to be accepted
Making a mistake meant getting punished, or worse, ignored
Your big feelings were “too much” for your parents to handle
So you adapted. You performed. You shut parts of yourself down to keep the peace. Especially if you were neurodivergent and already struggling to fit into a world that wasn’t built for your brain.
Why Anxiety Becomes a Constant Companion
When your emotional world is constantly invalidated, when you’re told “you’re being dramatic” or “you need to toughen up,” you start to believe that your feelings are wrong.
Add in pressure to perform and fear of letting people down, and boom: anxiety. It shows up as:
Overthinking every little thing
Feeling like you have to earn your rest or relaxation
Constantly worrying about disappointing someone
Perfectionism: A Survival Skill in Disguise
Here’s the thing no one tells you: Perfectionism isn’t about being proud of your achievements. It’s about staying safe. It’s the armor you put on because making a mistake used to mean losing love or approval.
Especially for neurodivergent kids, who might already feel “different” or “wrong,” perfectionism becomes a way to avoid more rejection.
But it’s exhausting. And deep down, it never really feels like enough, does it?
If You’re Neurodivergent, This Hits Even Harder
When you live with ADHD, autism, or other forms of neurodivergence, you experience the world a bit differently. And emotionally immature parents often miss that entirely.
They might:
Punish you for needing structure or stimulation
Tell you you’re lazy when you’re actually overwhelmed
Ignore your need for quiet, space, or different communication styles
So you start masking, hiding your true self to fit in. And that leads to burnout, anxiety, and a painful disconnection from who you really are.
How This Affects You as an Adult
You might look like you’ve got it all together, great job, organized life, on top of everything. But inside? You feel:
Numb
Anxious
Afraid of getting close to people
You may struggle with people-pleasing or push people away before they can hurt you. You might still hear your parents’ voice in your head every time you try to rest, set a boundary, or speak up for yourself.
How Therapy Helps You Break Free
Working with a therapist (especially one who gets trauma and neurodivergence) can feel like a breath of fresh air. You start to see:
Your reactions actually make sense given your history
You’re allowed to have needs and boundaries
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved
Therapy gives you tools, yes, but more than that, it gives you permission. Permission to take up space. To rest. To exist without earning it.
Healing Your Inner Child
That little version of you, the one who tried so hard to be perfect? They’re still in there. Inner child work helps you:
Recognize old emotional patterns and where they came from
Give yourself the love and safety you didn’t get back then
Stop blaming yourself for how your parents behaved
It’s not about blaming. It’s about understanding, so you can finally let go.
Coping Tools That Actually Help
If you’re tired of living in survival mode, here are a few practices that can help:
Mindfulness: Simple breathing or grounding exercises help quiet the inner critic
Self-talk: Replace “I’m messing everything up” with “I’m doing the best I can right now”
Boundaries: It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to need space. Full stop.
And if you’re neurodivergent? Make sure your coping strategies respect your brain’s unique needs—not just what’s considered “normal.”
You Deserve to Feel Safe and Seen
This might be the first time someone’s saying this to you clearly, so let it sink in:
You’re not too much. You’re not broken. You’re not overreacting.
You were just a kid doing your best to survive a situation that never should’ve asked so much of you. And now? You get to choose something different.
If this speaks to your experience and you’re ready to start healing, a neurodiversity-affirming trauma therapist can help. Your story matters. Your healing is possible. And you’re already so much more than enough.
If you see yourself in this story, if you’ve been carrying the weight of a childhood that felt like a test, you don’t have to carry it alone anymore.
🌿 Your healing starts with feeling seen. And we’re here for you.
Book a session with one of our compassionate, trauma-informed therapists at idealpsychologygroup.com today.
